What's With Those ButtPlates?
by zhakeena
Summary: Just to be on the safe side, PG-13. Okay. Has anybody else wondered why Ramza has those butt plates during the 4th chapter? This is a story inspired by those shiny silver plates... and how he wound up wearing those. (right)


"What's With Those Butt Plates?"   
PROUDLY written by: zhakeena (... don't burst my bubble now, folks...)  
  
a/n: Has anybody else but me noticed that Ramza wore shiny sillver butt plates during the 4th chapter of the story? Okay, this is the probable story on WHY he wore those... uhm... armour enhancements. Riight.   
  
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Setting: Riovanes Castle, just after Ramza beat the hell out of Wiegraf, Elmdoo... este, Elmdor, and after Malak's Ressurection. In otha words, beginning of Chapter Four.   
  
A weary group of warriors and mages emerged from the castle gates. They were all drenched in blood, sweat and for some strange reason, relief. Some of them threw empty flasks of potions on the ground, while others more than gratefully used their staves as walking sticks. But, one may notice the furrowing of their leader's eyebrow, and the heavy breathing not caused by exhaustion, but by worry.   
  
"Alma... Just stay alive, please... No matter what it takes, I'll find you!!!" he announced, much like the way Hawkeye (the last of the mohicans) says it.   
  
"... Quit your emoting, Ramza... Some of us have a migraine, here?!" Agrias said. Ramza slapped his forehead in annoyance. "Hey, don't disturb me while I'm emoting, all right?"   
  
Rafa cleared her throat before saying, "So, Ramza, here we are... Where do we go now?"   
  
The party trudged along the dusty trail away from Castillo Riovanes (Riovanes Castle... I just felt like making things fancy) and their groans/moans/grumbles/etc can be related with pain, exhaustion and being pissed off. These sounds became so obviously made up that Ramza had to give in.   
  
"Uhm... I dunno... I guess we could take a break first," he said, angrily eyeing his complaining party, who then cheered, sort of. (they meekly said, "Yay... *koffkoff*) "But if something else so twistedly evil happens to Alma, you people are to blame..."   
  
"Meh, relax, Ramza, nothing's gonna happen to her, as long as there is such a thing as PLOT CONSISTENCY!!!" said Mustadio.   
  
"... What does that mean?" asked Malak.  
  
"... To be honest, I don't really know, so..." Mustadio said.   
  
"Urgh... Idiotic puns put aside... Where will we take our so-called 'break'?" asked Agrias.   
  
"Coo" said Boco.   
  
"Yeah, where? I hope it's someplace with a mall..." said Alicia.  
  
"... Or a flea market, at least..." continued Lavian.   
  
Ramza shrugged. "Gee, I don't really know... How about the next town we end up to?"   
  
"Yeah/Sure/Whatever/Kwark!..." replied the others. Then the trudging went on.   
  
"So, what do you intend to do first, Ramza?" asked Rafa.   
  
Ramza grunted, hopping over a rock. "Uh... maybe I'll take a nice, long nap in an Inn, or---" he stopped when he heard a "r-r-r-rrrippp!!!" from behind him. His eyes widened when he realized that it came from HIS behind.   
  
He turned around and saw that the cloth protecting his buttocks had been completely shredded by a tree branch, and that the ladies' eyes were as wide as dinner plates, and that Rad started guffawing. How it happened, he does not know, but he turned beet red, anyway.   
  
"... I guess you could also get some new clothes?..." Rafa barely said.   
  
"... Nice underwear, Ramza... I didn't know you were into boxers..." said Mustadio, sneering mockingly.   
  
"Yeah, boss, we all thought you were the tighty-whitey type, ya know?" added Rad.   
  
"... Tighty-whitey type? Hey, at least I do not go commando like you do, Mustadio..." replied Ramza, as he gratefully tied the bandana Alicia offered him around the waist.   
  
"H-hey, who told you that?!" Mustadio stammered and all the others laughed. Agrias looked away.   
  
"Fwargh... At least we're near town, now..." Ramza said, looking over to the colourful city of Gariland. (sorry, I can't remember which town is the nearest to Riovanes...)   
  
"Wark!"  
  
***  
  
Setting: "Waterview Inn" in Gariland; Men's room. (not bathroom, but the room that the male party members are in)  
  
"... I can't believe you don't have pants, boss..." said Rad.   
  
"Well, it just so happened that the last useable pair of pants that I had were the ones that the tree snagged," replied Ramza grumpily.   
  
"Hey, as long as you're a priest, no one would mind that you're wearing a priestess' skirt, eh?" said Mustadio.   
  
"At least your pants weren't snagged during nighttime, beside a stream, during a blue moon and a Friday, because it means that demons are after you!" said Malak. The others blinked at him.   
  
"... We're practically looking for demons, Malak... We're gonna fight Lucavi, remember?" Mustadio said.   
  
"... Oh, yeah. Just following superstition, sadik."   
  
Before anybody else could ponder on what 'sadik' meant, Agrias burst through the door. "Hey, ladies, we're ready to go... Come on down!" she announced before slamming the door again.   
  
"Ya know boss, sometimes I think she's manlier than you..." Rad said, grabbing his little pouch of gil.   
  
"... Maybe, but that's Agrias..." Ramza muttered before he walked out of the room and tripped on his long skirt.   
  
***  
Setting: The all-new Gariland Magic City Mall.   
  
"Wooow! Things are so modern, nowadays..." said Alicia, gaping at the new wooden elevators. (trying to get medieval here, folks.)   
  
Mustadio snorted. "Yeah, well I found a manuscript in our basement about elevators run by electricity..."   
  
"Yeah, well you found another one about toilets that clean themselves free of pee and human wastes, which is OBVIOUSLY unbelievable..." said Agrias.   
  
"Hey, it could happen! Just put some pipes, get some water, and..."   
  
"Uhm... we're here to buy clothes, not debate on tekkna...technola...." Ramza stuttered.   
  
"... Technology, boss!" Rad said.   
  
"... Right, whatever..." Ramza said. "Hey, any of you know where to buy good clothing?"   
  
"Oh, me and Alicia always buy from Parsley's..." Lavian said.   
  
"Oh, good, but I hope they got male's clothing there... WHOOP!!!" Ramza tripped over his skirt again.   
  
"Okay, let's go! ... Hey, where are Rafa and Malak?" asked Agrias.   
  
"... Oh, when they asked the owner if they buried medallions over the property when they built this place, the owner said he didn't, so they won't come in here. Said something bad's gonna happen, so they'll guard Boco."   
  
"Man, I can't believe how superstitious those two are... For all we know, the bad luck factor is the fact that a transvestite entered the building..." Mustadio said. Ramza glared at him.   
  
***  
  
"Newest fashion as of now, sonny," said Ben Parsley, the owner of the store.   
  
Alicia, Lavian and Rad, who went with Ramza, sat on a sofa, judging his look. "Well?" Ramza asked.   
  
"Gee, I dunno boss... Purple with yellow aren't your colors. And that belt thingy isn't you, either. That attire looks like Vormav's," said Rad.   
  
"Yeah, I suggest you go with the red one... It really shows off your blonde hair," suggested Lavian.   
  
"No, I think green looks better on him..." said Alicia.   
  
Ramza sighed. "I really don't care how it looks, I just want something that's comfy and reliable in battle and walking beside trees."   
  
"... Walking beside trees?" asked Ben.   
  
"An accident sir. A tree snagged his bottom." said Rad.   
  
Ramza grunted. "No need to tell EVERYBODY, Rad..."   
  
Rad sniggered. "Hey, it was too funny to hold in!"   
  
"Oh, your butt, eh? Well, I have got just it!" Ben said, and he disappeared into the backroom.   
  
"Hmph... Rad, if you tell another soul about that incident, I'm gonna tell everybody about how you used to steal women's thongs," said Ramza.  
  
Alicia and Lavian both went, "WHAT?!" as Rad sunk into his seat. Before anybody else could do anything else, Ben appeared with gear.   
  
"You are SO gonna explain what happened to the pink one later, Rad," Alicia threatened.   
  
"Okay, sir, I think this is the attire for you!" Ben said. He handed Ramza a blue top, hip boots... and a pair of shiny silver plates.   
  
Ramza lifted the plates up. "Uhm... What are these for?" he asked.   
  
Ben smiled. "Oh, those are for your behind!" Rad instantly exploded with laughter.   
  
Ramza looked at him confusedly. "Uh... BEE-hind?"   
  
"Your butt, buttocks, bottom, ass, whatever you may call it," replied Ben. Then Alicia and Lavian burst too.   
  
Ramza looked at him in a befuddled manner one last time. "Uh... Okay... I'm just gonna... go fit these now..." Ramza said, heading for the fitting rooms.   
  
He closed the curtain behind him and began to dress up. "Man, the things I do for decency..." he muttered as he tried the hip boots on, then the blue top. Then came the butt plates. Twitching slightly, he strapped them on. "Man, these things are COLD!" he said.   
  
"HEY, BOSS, ARE YOU DONE YET?!" hollered Rad from the outside.   
  
"Yeah, yeah..." Ramza said and went out of the fitting room. Alicia, Lavian and Rad went, "Woo!" as he came out, and Ben... sorta had gil signs for eyes.   
  
"Wow, you look so cute, Ramza!~" said Alicia.   
  
"Hmm... not bad at all!" Lavian added, nodding.   
  
"Yeah, and those butt plates really accentuate your girlish body shape, eh?" said Rad.   
  
"So, are you gonna take it, Ramza?" asked Ben.   
  
"Uh... yeah, I guess so... Lemme just get my wallet over there..." said Ramza, hobbling over to the fitting room.   
  
"Uh, are you sure those boots are comfor---" before Rad could continue, Ramza slipped, going, "WAAAAAH!" and grabbing the curtain, sort of... caused havoc. The ceiling cracked, and a pillar supporting the area collapsed.   
  
"OH HOLY AJORA!" screamed Ben, as a chunk of rock fell on top of Ramza, along with a man and woman.   
  
"Wha... What's above this store, sir?" stammered Lavian.   
  
"An antique store. They sell rocks for decor... Let's help them outta the rubble!" answered Mr. Parsley, going through the rubble.   
  
"Moan... I told you the antique store was a bad idea, Agrias..." moaned one of the people who fell through the roof.   
  
"... Shut up," said Agrias, pushing Mustadio away. Then, she looked and saw Alicia and Lavian. "Alicia! Lavian! What happened here?"   
  
Alicia gulped. "Er... Ramza got into an accident, ma'am..." she answered.   
  
"Moan... Whut the..?" Ramza muttered, coming up from the rubble.   
  
"OH! Ramza! Thank goodness you're all right... Don't sue me!!!" said Ben.   
  
Ramza stood up, then stopped. "Uh... I won't, as long as you give me these butt plates for free..."   
  
"Butt plates?" Mustadio asked.   
  
"Why? You looked like you hated them, boss..." Rad pointed out.   
  
"Yeah... but," Ramza started. "they'rewellsortofkindastuck...."   
  
For a moment, Mustadio, Agrias, Alicia, Lavian, Rad and Ben looked at him in beffudlement. Then, they laughed their chicken wings off.   
  
"WHAT?! They really are! And it isn't very comfy, either!!!" Ramza said, turning red.   
  
"Ha-how d-did they get stuck, Ramza?!" asked Agrias, holding her stomach.   
  
"Hrmph. When you two and the rock fell on me, the plates sort of got dented, and the straps are deformed..."   
  
"Bwahaha! Okay, sonny, you get them for free!" Ben said, walking in his back room.   
  
"SERIOUSLY, what am I gunna do?! I can't rescue my sister, defeat Ajora and escape from the church with butt plates stuck on my butt!!!" Ramza said. "People will laugh!"   
  
"Hey, it may work... Remember the Emperor's New Clothes?" said Mustadio.   
  
Ramza huffed. "Be serious, man!"   
  
Rad snorted. "Ahm... You may borrow my clothes when I was a ninja, boss... And, the black pants will cover your butt plates so pah-fectly!!!"   
  
Ramza glared at him. "Hmph. If you told me that sooner, we didn't need to shop for new clothes..."   
  
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Epilogue  
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Setting: Game Room of the Neo-ShinRa Building, where Cloud and Yuffie borrowed a PS2 for an hour.   
  
"Chapter Four: Someone To Love..."   
  
And so the shiny letters on the screen went.   
  
Cloud rubbed his hands excitedly as Ramza, Malak and Rafa began to talk on the TV. Well, actually, they only got to talking once Cloud touches the "o" button on the PS controller.   
  
"Yesss! I got to chapter four, and only in my 17th hour!!! BAAAH!" he said proudly.   
  
"Hmph. Big deal," said Yuffie, who was sitting there and nagging the head off Cloud whenever Ramza's in battle. "Even if I'm only in chapter 3, I only had about 10 hours spent..."   
  
"Yeah, well, you weren't summoned over there by some freaky machine run by a mustard man, so don't go bragging on me!" replied Cloud. "Man, it's a relief to be transported back here. In Ivalice, there was no electricity, no materia and---"   
  
"--no toilets!" finished Tifa, coming up from behind the two. Yuffie giggled, and Cloud rolled his eyes. "Not that you needed to mention that, Cloud... you smelled worse than Barret when you got back here."   
  
"Aw, get off my case! That was 3 days ago; I smell better now!" he protested.   
  
"No you don't... now you smell like cheese!" Yuffie said.   
  
Cloud huffed. "Bah, so what if I absolutely luuurve cheese?" He suddenly stopped when something caught his eye. "Hey, I didn't know that Ramza changes his costume!"   
  
Yuffie and Tifa looked at the screen. "Hmm... I woulda thunk he would stick to his somewhat-manly-but-still-girly knight costume... He looks sooo cute in it!"   
  
"Cloud, is this what he wore in Ivalice when you got to see it live?"   
  
Cloud scratched his chin. "Uh... no, he was a ninja, so he looked pretty much like... uh... a ninja."   
  
Tifa sniffed. "Uh... Good, a-cause you wouldn't want to see him in THIS-wise..."   
  
Cloud looked at the screen. Ramza is wearing that blue top, with the hip boots. "Yeah, he's wearing a blue thing with hip boots, so what?"   
  
Then Ramza turned around. And Cloud got to see...   
  
"... Butt-plates?!" he announced.   
  
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So how was it? Pretty good? Lame? So bad that you should burn me at stake? Review, please! 


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